بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon : Why so glum chum ?
Guy : What do you think ? I'm in hell.
Demon : Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... you a drinkin' man ?
Guy : Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon : Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do id drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guiness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca ... . we drink till we throw up and
then we drink some more !
Guy : Gee that sounds great.
Demon : You're a smoker ?
Guy : You better believe it ! Love the smoking.
Demon : Alright ! You're gonna love Tuesday. We get the finest cigars from all over the world
and smoke till our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead
remember ?
Guy : Wow...that's ... awesome !
Demon : I bet you like to gamble.
Guy : Why.. yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon : Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker,
Slots, whatever... If you go bankrupt ... well you're already dead anyhow.
Demon : You into drugs ?
Guy : Are you kidding ? Love drugs ! You don't mean ...
Demon : That's right ! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if you
overdose ...that's right ... you're already dead. Who cares ! O.D !!!
Guy : Yowza ! I never realize Hell was such a swingin' place !!
Demon : You're a gay ?
Guy : Uh no.
Demon : Oooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
Demon : Why so glum chum ?
Guy : What do you think ? I'm in hell.
Demon : Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... you a drinkin' man ?
Guy : Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon : Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do id drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guiness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca ... . we drink till we throw up and
then we drink some more !
Guy : Gee that sounds great.
Demon : You're a smoker ?
Guy : You better believe it ! Love the smoking.
Demon : Alright ! You're gonna love Tuesday. We get the finest cigars from all over the world
and smoke till our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead
remember ?
Guy : Wow...that's ... awesome !
Demon : I bet you like to gamble.
Guy : Why.. yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon : Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker,
Slots, whatever... If you go bankrupt ... well you're already dead anyhow.
Demon : You into drugs ?
Guy : Are you kidding ? Love drugs ! You don't mean ...
Demon : That's right ! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if you
overdose ...that's right ... you're already dead. Who cares ! O.D !!!
Guy : Yowza ! I never realize Hell was such a swingin' place !!
Demon : You're a gay ?
Guy : Uh no.
Demon : Oooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
DEAD PERSON
After a few months living in Saudi Arabia, Ron came home.
His neighbor visited to listen to his interesting story. "Did you learn Arabic, Ron?" asked Robert.
"Yea, of course. But a little," Ron smiled.
"What is elephant in Arabic?" his neighbor asked curiously.
"Sorry. It's too big. I don't know the big one," Ron replied.
"Oh, what about flea? Do you know it?" his neighbor asked another thing. "It's too small. I didn't learn the small one," Ron answered.
"So what do you learn?" his neighbor mumbled. "Not much. I know the Arabic of dead person," Ron said.
"What is dead person in Arabic?" his neighbor asked impatiently. "Innalillahi..."
After a few months living in Saudi Arabia, Ron came home.
His neighbor visited to listen to his interesting story. "Did you learn Arabic, Ron?" asked Robert.
"Yea, of course. But a little," Ron smiled.
"What is elephant in Arabic?" his neighbor asked curiously.
"Sorry. It's too big. I don't know the big one," Ron replied.
"Oh, what about flea? Do you know it?" his neighbor asked another thing. "It's too small. I didn't learn the small one," Ron answered.
"So what do you learn?" his neighbor mumbled. "Not much. I know the Arabic of dead person," Ron said.
"What is dead person in Arabic?" his neighbor asked impatiently. "Innalillahi..."
Male Brain Cell
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell that, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.
“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: “Hello o o ooo, we’re down here … ” (in the pants)
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell that, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.
“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: “Hello o o ooo, we’re down here … ” (in the pants)
_ A Very Old Lady Teacher Of English
A very old lady teacher of English ask this question with the class:
When I say “I am beautiful”, which tense is it?
One student answered: It's the past tense of course.
A very old lady teacher of English ask this question with the class:
When I say “I am beautiful”, which tense is it?
One student answered: It's the past tense of course.
2 men were fixing a bomb in a car.
Men 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Men 2 : Don’t worry, I have one more.
Men 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Men 2 : Don’t worry, I have one more.
Call Of Help
_
"Police?", came the voice on the phone. "I want to report a burglar trapped in an fat maid’s bedroom!" After ascertaining the address, the police sergeant asked who was calling.
"This," cried the frantic voice, "is the burglar ! "
Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary : Who is this?
Pupil : This is my father speaking !
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbor?
Student: Because it can’t sit down!
_
School Days
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.”
”That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?”
“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”
“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.
“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”
With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”
School Days
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.”
”That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?”
“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”
“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.
“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”
With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”
Man : Doctor ! My Son has swallowed a key.
Doctor : When ?
Man : Three Months Ago
Doctor : What were you doing till now ?
Man : We were using duplicate key
Doctor : When ?
Man : Three Months Ago
Doctor : What were you doing till now ?
Man : We were using duplicate key
A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the Ph.D. student.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”
The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the Ph.D. student.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”
God Is Watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Boy or girl ?
A lot of boys and girls in West Java are wearing the same kind of clothes, and many of them have long hair, so it is often difficult to tell whether they are boys or girls.
One day, an old gentleman went for a walk in a park in Bandung, and when he was tired he sat down on a beach. A young person was standing on the other side of the park.
"My goodness !" the old man said to the person who was sitting next to him on the bench. "Do you see that person with the loose pants and long hair ? Is it a boy or a girl?" "A girl," said the neighbor. "She is my daughter."
"Oh!" the old man gentleman said quickly. "Please forgive me. I didn't know that you are her mother." "I'm not , said the other person, "I'm her father."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Boy or girl ?
A lot of boys and girls in West Java are wearing the same kind of clothes, and many of them have long hair, so it is often difficult to tell whether they are boys or girls.
One day, an old gentleman went for a walk in a park in Bandung, and when he was tired he sat down on a beach. A young person was standing on the other side of the park.
"My goodness !" the old man said to the person who was sitting next to him on the bench. "Do you see that person with the loose pants and long hair ? Is it a boy or a girl?" "A girl," said the neighbor. "She is my daughter."
"Oh!" the old man gentleman said quickly. "Please forgive me. I didn't know that you are her mother." "I'm not , said the other person, "I'm her father."